So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
