when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
