I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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