My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just high enough for therapy.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
