im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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