yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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