Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
