Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
