Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
