The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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