Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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