I can't watch pbs sober anymore
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
