she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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