I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
