I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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