from now on my penis is your penis
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
