I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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