my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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