and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i jhust puked up my retainher.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
