You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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