On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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