wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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