The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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