I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
