I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
