Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
