Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
