i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
