Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
