My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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