If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
