I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
