i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
