On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
