there's paper in my vomit.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
