Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Oh god it's open bar.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
