also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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