Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
