I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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