I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
