Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
