you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
