On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
