wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
