i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
50% drunk capacity currently
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
