Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
