Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There are leaves in my underwear?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
