hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just googled if crying burns calories
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
