she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
birth control should be required to get into college
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
