i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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