Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
