I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
