Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
