I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
