1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
