my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
