you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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