I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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