I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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